Pressure...

For the pass few days, I have been not feeling good. I have been thinking alot about my life... everything. It's hard to cope it sometimes. I tend to think nonsense and I felt that my instinct is coming back. I'm afraid now.. I felt like I'm in a total darkness where thee's noone to guide me out. =(

Been crying out loud to make myself relief and tired but my mind is bothering me. Why do I have to feel this way? Why do I have to go thru all this things again? Why I can't have peace of mind? I need a break before I gone mad...

I'm feeling Pressured...

The Past... The Present... The Future...

The Good & The Bad....

When I'm with him, I'm so happy like I'm in a cloud nine. I love him so much that I felt it's only me and him alone. I felt like we are meant for each other. When he is in a good mood, he is like the best guy I ever met. Always try to make me happy and treat me like his real "babey". He is a person with full of characters. A bad-tempered person, egoistic, never listen to people's advice till he need it, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Branded (hehehe), vain-pot, determine, soft-hearted (towards gals), attractive (in a sense), "moderate" sweet-talker. He also can consider "heart-breaker" but he can be a loving, caring, protective person. Oh yeah, he is a person who never mend is words... =P

He is a person who have change my life. He taught me lots of things. Love, reality, and the "headache". I have been going thru thick and thin with him. Been a long time with him, is this how much I understand and know him? I hope so... *to be continue..*

Anti-Polygamy

How will you feel when someone that you loved, love someone else? I was thinking of that from just now. He loved you, but tho he still wants to find someone to love him. I guess this case wasn't rare and it's kinda common in this world now. I read about polygamous few days ago. It's kinda scary (for me) knowing that the person that you love or going to be marry to will end up being with someone else.

I don't really agree with polygamy and that's why lots of women in this world nowadays rather to be a single mother or being single the whole life so that they won't get hurt. I don't want to get hurt too. It's better to love yourself than love your bf or husband whom will cheat on you or have an affair behind your back. Males will never feel the same way how we (females) felt towards them.

We are being so loyal, faithful and care so much for them and yet the males don't appreciate us. Why are the males in this world change till like that? What happened to those males like our parents time? Or our grandparents time when they never dare to find mistress or having affair. Actually I should said "majority" of them don't do that compare to now generations.

Are the women being domestic or being too independent till the male felt lonely and out till they find others? We are humans. We felt the same way how males does (in a way). We are carrying a duty as a woman, a lover, a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law. Do you think carrying this burden is easy? Try being like us and you guys will know what kind of position we females getting into.

If we, females have the same thinking as the males, I think in this world, everyone have someone else in their life. I'm not talking bout 1 person in your life but more than that. I hope all guys and gals will never change their honesty, truthfully, care, love and also security. If this is so, please do think what will happened to you if that person did the same thing to you as what you did to him/her? "Put your position in that person's shoes" first before you take a step or your action. Be responsible towards your actions and appreciate the person around you before you regret.

I wish everyone the best in your life, future and love-life. Muacks..

" How much you earn is not important.

Women leave men, not because they are unhappy

with what he can provide,

but because they are emotionally unfulfilled."

"Monogamy turns women on.

A sexual liaison with another woman is seen as

the ultimate betrayal and good reason to

finish a relationship."

Life's Journey.... Ended

My life's journey have been ended just like that.... Things change drastically.... It take longer time to heal... Maybe not?

Year 2007

Goodbye 2006... Welcome 2007~!

It had been a rollercoaster ride for the year 2006. I have been going thru lots of things and problems thru thick and thin. Not really a good year to me and I hope that the coming year will be a joyride for me with full of happiness, love and care. =P
Next year is the time for me to grow up, be mature and think wisely to solve any problems that come in my way.
All the best and hope year 2007 will bring lots of good luck, wealth, health, love and happiness to all my readers. Hehehehhe... Love you guys alot and to all my loved one and close-friends. Muacks...

List of Things That I Already Achieved...

The previous list, I had list down those things that I want. Here is the list that I already got: -

1) W810i = pending...
2) Tube Dress = I still have not got it one but I wore it for a night for a dinner. It's so nice. =P
3) Nike Shoe = wanted to have Adidas shoe but my babey already bought me Nike shoe. So it's accepted. Hehehe.. So happy! wohooo!!
4) My hair = I have done it.. hmmm.. look abit different than b4 but some said it's nice, some said I looked old. Sigh~! Nevermind.. think positive. Hair will grow longer. =P
5) Shopping = I just bought few blouses which is nice and so cheap! RM10 only! hahaha...
6) Slimming Down = pending...
7) Car with CD Player = Super pending...
8) More MONEY = Super-duper PENDING!!!
9) "I Want You" = "SENT"
10) Update more once I get to accomplished more things ... hehehe

At last, few things I have accomplished. It's good to feel that you have achieved few things that you want. At least, you don't have to tempt your desire and never accomplish a thing! Haha!

It's All About The Money~!

Everyone have been talking about money this lately. Few friends of mine graduated and they are starting to have headache of finding job because they got no money! hahaha.... This is what I had learnt before I start my first job. When you are on semester break, start looking for part-time job so that you can earn money for your future as well as your expenditure during your holiday. That's the way to stablize when you are graduated. =P

Anyway, money is everything at this moment. Long time ago, money is like not that important as now. They don't tend to up-to-date themselves on fashion. Food was like so damn cheap and not much things to spend either. Why? It's because there's no such thing as economics and politics at that time. Maybe they have but not as serious as now. Last time was like war zone man. No time to shop except for your daily life only.

Look at now... everything is up-to-date. Fashions, foods, cultures, technologies, educations etc, etc, etc... I don't have to list them all. I guess everyone should know what is in the list. Everything is all about the money. Without them, you can't have what you want. Even want to "pak-tor" also need money. Sigh~! I don't blame those gals who are materialistics. Without money, how are we going to survive? How are we going to achieve what we wants NOT what we needs. hahaha... Those "needs" also need money-la... If not, how to support us, our parents as well as our family that we going to have on our own.

Lots of price have been going up. I remembered I ate "roti canai" when I was in secondary school, it cost me 50 cents a piece and now how much it cost? 70 - 80 cents a piece. 1 teh tarik ice was like RM 1 like 2 years back and now it cost RM 1.20 a glass. We paid 20 cents for ice man.. and the drinks sux! Either too sweet or taste like paip water. Don't talk only about food, even clothing also increased... Sigh~! So sad.

There's only one thing that never increase.... That is.... (drum roll pleaseeeee)....... SALARY!!!! That will only increase when the company's profit increase. Sometimes it won't increase at all. How much they can increase? RM 50 the minimum and RM 200 the maximum. Sigh~! That also depend on the management whether they want to give you increment or not. I don't have to talk much. Felt so "geram" talking about money.... "Life is unfair"... "Noone is perfect". "Work hard to achieve what you want". That's all I can say...

List of Things That I Want...

Things that I want:-

1. I want W810i!!!!
2. I want a tube dress which I'm searching for a long time.
3. I want an Adidas shoes.
4. I want to do my hair.
5. I want shopping!
6. I want to slim down =( [which I'm trying to diet and exercise but food are soo tempting]
7. I want to get a car with CD player in it. (that's means more money)
8. I want more money!!!! =D
9. I want you!!!!
10. I will get back to you again once I can think of more.Hehehehe...

Actually, this is what most gals want in their life. hehehe... so, don't blame me at least I have a list to accomplish better than nothing to do. =P

A week later..

It's been a week since I blogged. Nothing much happened in between those days. Was busy with my work and trying to spend more time with my friends. Attend fundraising for National Stroke Association Malaysia (NASAM) which was fully paid by company. It was an "ok" event but not my type. Lots of senior citizens attended it but the food was good. It was a good experienced and after the event, me and my colleagues went to a hawker stall and tried one of her mum's popiah. Although all of us are full, but we take a bite or two just to try it because her mum going to retired end of this month.

Today, went to catch movie with nicholas, it won and sonia. We watched "Death Note". It was an "ok" show although some part kinda blur. It is japanese show. Someone suppose to show up but in the end, he can't make it. I did called but unfortunately his hp "warded". But it was ok with me, at least I spend time with my friends. But he did show up for lunch after our movie but I have to give him a call. Lucky for him that he never went back to sleep but he did turn up. hehehehe... (guilty concious) Although was a short time, but I appreciate the most. =P

Hurts

I wish I can stay far away from people that I know. Feel the freedom, feel the spacious and breathe a new fresh air and new begining.

I felt being controled. I don't feel the freedom. When I was young, I listened to them. Now I am old, I felt even worst. No freedom, I am old enough to think. When I'm 28, are you going to "cage" me still? I never had my enjoyment for once. Everytime, my friends asked me out, I can't because of HIM. Drink half a bottle of beer also he complaint. sigh...

When is the time will I get my freedom? By the time I'm married, will I get those? I doubt! There's more responsibilities. Now's I'm single and not married, I should enjoy what I have now before I'm getting older. How to tell a stubborn man about this? Told him not once but many times about how I felt but he never wan to understand. I know I'm his daughter and he care and worried for me. But the more you worried, the more unexpected things will happen.

I know what is surrounding me. Not say I never tell who I am with or where I go. I know he concern for me and care for me but sometimes, I need the freedom. Total freedom what I want to do to enjoy myself to release all this stress things from myself, from my feelings. I just don't want to put burden on you, that's why I look for alternative. That is enjoy myself with my friends. Life is complicated. One problem come, then gone and another problem come again. I wonder when will it ends and have a smooth and sailing life?

Not say I don't love you. I love you and I don't wan you to worried about me with my problems. You have migraine, you have lots of burden in your family. I just don't want you to add another problems. That's why iI rather keep to myself because I don't want to hurt people that I love dearly. I love someone but I rather get hurt instead of them............................

I Don't Understand =(

I sometimes don't understand some people. When the plans we had planned earlier on and now making it so complicated. WHY?! I'm just asking whether is it OK if there's someone that you don't like will be around with us when meet up. Some people can be making things so complicated and answered me with a questions. Arghhhh! Said that, I'm prepared and this is the sign showed that "You can pick me up now" and some people can be so ignorant and can be so "Blur".

When things goes unexpectedly, some people tends to blame on others and said such harshed words. I don't understand. I have given the signs so clearly and making me feel so guilty for waking that person up so early and hardly get enough rest. When I cancelled it, that person put the blame on me coz I never tell him straight forward. TOLD ALREADY!! I Hate this thing... =(

Such A Beautiful Day.... NOT!!

Yesterday at work, I was kinda stressed up with my work. After I came back from work, I cleaned the house and was just releasing my stress. After prayers, (pray my alter coz noone at home) and, guess what, I walked all the way from my house to a cafe near Melaka Raya. It took me at least half an hour to 40 mins to reach at the destination. Half to my destination, I can even meet my gal fren who supposed to meet me up after her yoga. She was surprised to see me and she don't believe me that I walked all the way there. hahaha... It was nice to be sitting alone by yourself and enjoy the the surrounding once in a while. I ate my dinner and read magazine alone! haha.. Never done that in ages! Meet few of my friends ( not so close) and eventually, it was nice talking to him. haha.. He is younger than me anyway (my bro's friend). My gal friend met me up after her yoga and was talking about guys and relationship! hahaha... What she has gone thru it, I also been going thru it. Her situation almost similar to my past. I understand her conditions. Guys... sigh~!

Anyway, today work still loaded. One problem come to another problem and kinda stressed it out. I better start to organize my work before things get worst. It's all about foreign workers and my desk is not enough space for me to do my work! hahaha.. on my desk, there's HR work, there's Foreign workers and Insurance..

Under my desk, there's no place for my leg to rest. Hahaha.. All full of files. After work, rush myself to the mall to shop for my clothing coz I saw my colleague bought the blouse whcih is damn super nice and I kinda like it. Then, went back home and doze off once I touched my bed. hahaha.. Later going out with my chi muis and wanna eat the Burger at tepi longkang! woot!! me hungry now *growling*

That's all from me now... Sometimes, I do hate blogging! hahaha...

Mens...

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

My day today...

Life in my new working life sometimes can be so relaxing but at a time can be real stressed up. sigh~!... today, most of my work I dealed are foreign workers. Because of one of them passed away due to pneumonia, and he is not insured, I have to dig out all the old files and to make sure around one thousands workers are insured. oh my god! My desk are piling up with files and papers.

I am dealing with Human Resources and Administrative work. I got at least three portfolios: HR, Insurance and Foreign Workers. It is the job that I wanted but I don't expect too many portfolios. It is a very challenging working life and sometimes I do enjoy the stress but not all the time. My superior keep pushing everything to me and what does he do? Sleep, eat and smoke. When he sleep, my colleague and me will said " tong tong cheng!" meaning doze off.. hahaha.. We always called him Boss (second Boss) cuz he never do anything and always order us to do his work, while he shakes his leg (which he really did shake his leg even sleeping) .

Hmmm... in the morning, the time past very fast but in the afternoon, the time past so slow.I have to drink nescafe just to make myself alert and I'm trying to avoid it coz I'm afraid I will addicted to it. Frankly speaking, my colleague make the drinks for me coz her nescafe is damn super nice. Not super bitter nor sweet. Just nice. hahaha..

My Big Boss asking me to program a database for foreign workers and also for their lands. More stress, more works! They hired me coz of that! I told them I am not that good but I will try eventually. Show them my skills (konon laaa I got the skills... I don't know whether I can remember or not) but I also need some help from experts! I sudah karat in database la!! hahaha... I'll stop here now, coz I have no idea what to say and my blogging is sucks! haha..

What Is Happiness?

"You will never find happiness if you don't challenge your

weaknesses and change yourself from within."

What is the purpose of life? It is to become happy. Whatever country or society people live in, they all have the same deep desire: to become happy.

Yet, there are few ideals as difficult to grasp as that of happiness. In our daily life we constantly experience happiness and unhappiness, but we are still quite ignorant as to what happiness really is.

A young friend of mine once spent a long time trying to work out what happiness was, particularly happiness for women. When she first thought about happiness, she saw it as a matter of becoming financially secure or getting married. (The view in society then was that happiness for a woman was only to be found in marriage.) But looking at friends who were married, she realised that marriage did not necessarily guarantee happiness. She saw couples who had been passionately in love suffering from discord soon after their wedding. She saw women who had married men with money or status but who fought constantly with their husbands.

Gradually, she realised that the secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weakness. Only then does it become possible to lead a truly happy life and enjoy a successful marriage.

She finally told me, "Now I can say with confidence that happiness doesn't exist in the past or in the future. It only exists within our state of life right now, here in the present, as we face the challenges of daily life."

I agree entirely. You yourself know best whether you are feeling joy or struggling with suffering. These things are not known to other people. Even a man who has great wealth, social recognition and many awards may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who is not fotunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

Happiness is not a life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. There is no such thing as a problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience and react to our problems depends on us.

Buddhism teaches that we are each responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness. Our vitality - the amount of energy or "lifeforce" we have - is in fact the single most important factor in determining whether or not we are happy.

True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you do not challenge your weaknesses and change yourself from within. Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another. This is why I believe that a person who is active and free from fear is truly happy.

The challenges we face in life can be compared to a tall mountain, rising before a mountain climber. For someone who has not trained properly, whose muscles and reflexes are weak and slow, every inch of the climb will be filled with terror and pain. The exact same climb, however, will be a thrilling journey for someone who is prepared, whose arms and legs have been strengthened by constant training. With each step foward and up, beautiful new views will come into sight.

My teacher used to talk about two kinds of happiness - "relative" and "absolute" happiness. Relative happiness is happiness that depends on things outside ourselves: friends and family, surroundings, the size of our home or family income. This is what we feel when a desire is fulfilled, or something we have longed for is obtained. While the happiness such things bring us in certainly real, the fact is that none of this lasts forever. Things change. People change. This kind of happiness shatters easily when external conditions alter.

Relative happiness is also based on comparison with others. We may feel this kind of happiness at having a newer or bigger home than the neighbours. But that feeling turns to misery the moment they start making new additions to theirs!

Absolute happiness, on the other hand, is something we must find within. It means establishing a state of life in which we are never defeated by trials, and where just being alive is a source of great joy. This persists no matter what we might be lacking, or what might happen around us. A deep sense of joy is soemthing which can only exist in the innermost reaches of our life, and which cannot be destroyed by any external forces. It is eternal and inexhaustible.

This kind of satisfaction is to be found in consistent and repeated effort, so that we can say, "Today, again, I did my very best. Today, again, I have no regrets. Today, again, I won." The accumulated result of such efforts is a life of great victory.

What we should compare is not ourselves against others. We should compare who we are today against who we were yesterday, who we are today against who we will be tomorrow. While this may seem simple and obvious, true happiness is found in a life of constant advancement. And, the same worries that could have made us miserable can actually be a source of growth when we approach them with courage and wisdom.

One friend whose dramatic life proved this was Natalia Satz, who founded the first children's theatre in Moscow. In the 1930s, she and her husband were marked by Soviet Union's secret police. Even though they were guilty of no crime, her husband was arrested and executed and she was sent to a prison camp in the frozen depths of Siberia. After she recovered from the initial shock, she started looking at her situation, not with despair, but for opportunity.

She realised that many of her fellow prisoners had special skills and talents. She began organising a "university", encouraging the prisoners to share their knowledge. "You. You are scientist. teach us about science. You are artist. Talk to us about art." In this way, the boredom and terror of the prison camp were transformed into the joy of learning and teaching. Eventually, she even made use of her own unique talents to organise a theatre group.

She survived the five-year prison sentence, and dedicated the rest of her long life to creating children's theatre. When we met for the first time in Moscow in 1982, she was already in her 80s. She was as radiant and buoyant as a young girl. Her smile was the smile of someone who has triumphed over the hardships of life. Hers is the kind of spirit I had in mind when I wrote the following poem on "Happiness":

A person with a vast heart is happy.

Such a person lives each day with a broad and embracing spirit.

A person with a strong will is happy.

Such a person can confidently enjoy life, never defeated by suffering.

A person with a profound spirit is happy.

Such a person can savour life's depths while creating meaning and value

that will last for enternity.

A person with a pure mind is happy.

Such a person is always surrounded by refreshing breezes of joy.

Author : Daisaku Ikeda from "A Piece of Mirror "

Quotes for the Day...

" A man is like a pillar, a woman like the crossbeam. A man is like the legs of a person, a woman like the trunk. A man is like the wings of a bird, a woman like the body. If the wings and the body become separated, then how can the bird fly? And if the pillar topples, then the crossbeam will surely fall to the ground"

After a month...

It's been a month now ever since my break up. Till today, I still cried for him. Wishing he will call me or said he is sorry for everything. But I was wrong. That will never happened! But I still tried to stands strong. Trying to move on. I realise, I cried so much coz I hate myself as well as him. Hate him for breaking my heart. Hate myself for not being so strong to move on. This is the most devastating time for me. When I think of what he did to me, I still cry. If I think of our memories, I will also cry. So, if i don't think of him? That kinda impossible coz memories is always there. Dear GOD, pls give me strength to move on! I need those the most! My eyes swollen from all those tears! Does he knows? I doubt it. If he does, what had he done now? Why guys are being so cruel? Can't they just try to compromise things first? Sob Sob... just after crying and I felt so tiring! I don't wanna cry no more!!!!

My Bad Luck Happened Again~!

3 days in a row!!!!! wow.. My bad luck is getting worst. The first one was I lost my earrings, the second day was I saw you-know-who at a "mamak" stall and the 3rd day which is today... one of my car's tyre "pancit". And I have to pay RM150 for that damn tyre!! arghhh!!! I can buy 1 Adidas Shoes!!! sigh.. next month I have to pay my telephone bills! This month really not my month! I hope next month is a better luck! I better go "mandi" flower water... sigh...

Last night, went to rave party at A'Famosa! It was cool but the ending sucks! the DJ kinda screech the stupid "piring hitam" and showing off with his skills! Kinda not my type! haahahhaa...too much screeching.. Lots of leng cais and leng luis.. pheeweeett.. I went with my group of guy and girl friends and we seemed to look like "innocent" more although we did try our best to dress up.

Unfortunately, the party ended kinda early.. It supposed to end at least 3/4 am and the stupid local authorities "advices" to close at 1am. Boring`! But overall, it was fun! It was HUGEEEeee and a very good experience! Hope to go next year!

Such A Bad Day~! =(

Today is not my day~! Argggghhhhhh!!!! I was emo today, almost the whole day! I cried even I go out~! Pathetic~! Spoil my mood only! Went out with my chi muis tonight to catch a movie titled "The Prestige". It was kinda good but need to focus and udnerstand because it can be complicated once you don't understand it. We went back after the show and my bad luck keep coming in!.. I lost my favourite earring that I wore it earlier on to the cinema!! Arghhh!! How can God treat me like this? Unlucky things tends to show up even more. I have lost my beloved aunty that I love dearly, and I have lost my love life. And now I have lost my favourite things! boohooo~!~!.. I hate this year!!! Not my year!!